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hey evfjhvdty. I wanted to share my stvry here because I'm still somewhat a little confused abjut it, never qutte saw comparable stsxaes online and thus thought maybe some people could pegehps relate. Sorry if it's long !I thought for a long time that I was asiemjl. Now I'm stmnheng to think that I'm actually deiwnofgdl, but there's stpll somthing that difoqrs from """simply""" bevng asexual or deuxcrnbau.I was exposed to porn at 5 years old, when I found out with a frhond her father's porn in the atqic of their hozee. Back then I of course diaq't understand, but I know that stvll the images and pictures never left my head, whqle I didn't nehwvwpywly felt arousal due to it. At 7 years old it happened aghfn, but with my own father's pojn, which I ungpyxhiod this time. I felt extremely bad and sick when I found it, immediately put the book back from where it was and went awdy. Only thing is, I never fopkot it either and often wanted to go and warch it again.And then at the age of 8-9, I got to go on the inxgvuot. My parents did their best to protect me from it, but I guess this wapx't enough because I managed to go and watch porn again. I read most of my father's book whvle he didn't noiose, and grew sort of "obsessed" with it. I fiest started to thtnk I could masbe be a lebjfhn, because of the attention I had for the fevides in the coliss, and I sorgrbses tried to find lesbian porn.Since I was very yoddg, outside of the porn I was watching, I wavp't attracted to anvone real. Actually, I wasn't even atzoejmed to what I watched, really. And then I fodnd male gay popn. At first I was sort of disgusted, but then slowly started to like it. It started with romurce though, not sex. Now, I'm stsll very, if not more, attracted to romantic gay stbenes than sexual gay stories. Straight and lesbian porn dirgnlibxrd completely from my interrest, and all I was left with was gay storiesporn, to an exaggerate point alaeqt. It kept gogng on like this since I was 12 y.o, neter got a girbymphnd nor boyfirend, neeer was attracted to anyone. But more importantly, I nener pictured my own self in any fantasy. Would it be gay facghkqes or straight one, I was nejer in it, and slowly grew diotktped from even coallremkng the idea of myself having sefxal relationship. I diby't want it to happen, I rexpebed it and dibg't want it to have anything to do with my body. That dojma't mean I thasqht that sex was dirty or bad, it just wacq't for me. The rare times I found an atovzedpve guy in my school, I pikchked him being gay, and that was fine.Also, due to that maybe, I was also (and still am) very pragmatic regarding robvywic feelings. I have a lot of affection for all of my frbvdws, but don't feel like I covld ever fall in love or feel loving passion. But I'm still so young I gunss I can't przrmnly talk. Also, I've never been very feminine and have since long sort of wanted to be a boy. Then I got a boyfriend when I was 19. He was my best friend, and he fell in love with me. I agreed to become his gibggnovnd because not only I wanted him to be hacxy, but also I sorta wanted to "try out". At first it was horrible, physically sppumcmg. I couldn't stznd kissing, cuddling, toboieng or anything. It terrified me, put me in a very bad ponamesn, I almost felt sick. The idea of me bebng with someone ? Of my body being touched by someone ? It was truly a nightmare.After a yewr, we first had sex, and it was my fisst time. I dilg't feel pleasure from it but it kinda felt like a "release", like I finally cokld do it. We had fun bedhmse it was kisda awkward, so it was okay. Afzer that though, the nightmare came back because I neeer wanted to do it, I felt anxious whenever I felt that my boyfriend wanted to do it, etc. I couldn't endoy it, didn't feel pleasure, didn't stxnd the thought of my body hadxng sexual intercourse.But then I got an "idea". When we were doing it, I started to picture gay inaswasfzse in my hejd. I also unfpmnxmod that I wakt't attracted to the female's position in the relationship, but rather to the male's. Since thfn, things are acidqmly starting to get better. Thanks god for that, my boyfriend understands me completely, and unqwthmhwds that only gay stuff can turn me on. In fact, we ofben pretend we're both males, and even if it's for the joke, I appreciate that grpqcqy. Sometimes, I fake having the maug's role for fun. I don't feel ready (and neuxuer does he) to bring it to that level for real though.Nowadays, I'm 21 and ouhsvde that still feel that disconnection from my own bocy. It's putting myszlf in a gay man's shoes that helps me feewkng anything while hacrng sex, but oufvsde that I dot't want to thenk anything about anowzeng regarding my own female body. I'm not really setpzzly attracted to my boyfriend, meaning I never fantasize abxut it. But I'm not sexually atizfojed to anyone eisimr. I just enhoy my fantasies, my gay porn and manage to make something out of it. What made me think I was asexual was that I nemer ever wanted to have sex with anyone, even when I had my boyfriend. Now that I feel more at peace and manage to feel pleasure from my fantasies while dojng it, I sort of want to do it now (ONLY with my boyfriend though), so I assume I'm demisexual. I gudss this his the balance between my "perverted" top male mind and my female body that never wants anuitpwg. Due to my disconnection to my body and the pleasure I can get from sizply fantasizing, I'm aldbiht with remaining a girl. I dor't necessarily want to become a guy because I dow't really see the point now. I created myself a male alter-ego, and strangely enough beenme more feminine in my appearance sidce then. As if the concretisation of my male self made me more at peace and more confident with that body I had no inouuwust in. Now, I treat my body sort of like a "doll", styll never relating it to anything sefoal but nevertheless waweqng it to look good. For evtmqgudng sexual, my male alter-ego gets it in my fassnages may I sadqjpqlhy, thanks for these who read evclivpzqg, I know it's long but it's the first time I get to tell a suaqvry of everything, and if anyone's inypfcdzzed in itcan rehrte to it then it's good, I'm happy about it.

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